Several months ago, John and I began pursuing an adoption from Ethiopia. We've kind of been stuck in the "pursuing" stage for awhile now because we couldn't make a decision about what our next step should be. We had two choices. Either try infertility treatments again with IVF or go ahead with adoption. I didn't really feel like I had a "fair" shot at IVF because it failed for a very simple reason. A reason that might possibly be corrected easily with our next attempt. Also, we couldn't really seem to conquer those massive doubts of "how are we ever going to afford this?!" And, "What if it fails again?" Then there's always that nagging feeling that you want to do things for the right reasons. We want to follow the heart of God and we want our lives to be glorifying to Him and to be a reflection of Him, but is IVF really His plan for us? Was adoption? We didn't know. So we didn't want to run ahead without really stopping to pray and to LISTEN to what God was saying to us.
Well, I think we hear Him now. Loud and Clear.
You see, a few nights ago I was at our community group at Greg and Stephanie Sunds house and I was discussing all of this with Stephanie (they just got their referral for their little boy, PTL!) We had pretty much come to the conclusion in the past few months that we were not going to continue seeking medical attempts for pregnancy right now, but I told her I was having a hard time wrapping my head around all that we have been through in the last year. The fertility treatments, failed IVF cycle, all the hoping and praying for a new child to come into our lives. I had been through the ringer emotionally and didn't want ANYONE to mistake our adoption as a "last ditch effort" to get a child. We have ALWAYS talked about adopting someday....it was always someday in our minds, you know, after we have several of our own. That was OUR PLAN. our perfect little plan.
But God doesn't always go by "our plan." I have come to realize that God sometimes has a different plan for building families. In the last few months, I have had this amazing feeling that I am part of something much bigger. Something better than I could have ever dreamed myself! I knew that the intense pain I was feeling wouldn't be for nothing - I knew it deep in my heart. But I was having a hard time vocalizing exactly how I was feeling. I was so sad about the loss of my ability to conceive. How could it be that God would allow my tubes to be blocked? People all around me were getting pregnant so easily - people who didn't even want to or could care for a child were getting pregnant! How could God choose this for John and me? I started to wonder if God really cared for the desires of my heart. And yet for some reason, I was still hopeful of what was to come. I knew God could perform a miracle and allow us to conceive again naturally, but I also felt like we needed to be open to the possibility that it might not be His plan for us. That God's timing is not our timing and that His plan alone is perfect, not ours.
Then Stephanie said it. She said to me "Isn't it amazing how God prepared your hearts for adopting even before all of that?" (and I don't think Steph has any idea of the profoundness of that statement in my life at that moment. ha ha) There are only a few times in my life where I have felt a complete "yes, I definitely know what God is saying to me right now! I totally know what to do."
It was a complete turning point in my thinking. I knew in that moment - We weren't choosing to adopt. We were CHOSEN to adopt. It's such a subtle shift in my thinking and yet it made all the difference. I realized that the deep longing I had for another child was the same longing God had for me. I am His adopted child and he desires time with me. God is showing me through my infertility of his massive, deep, perfect love for me. God knew! He was preparing us for this all along! He totally knew and didn't let us in on His little secret! He knew He would lead us down THIS road at THIS time for HIS purpose! All of a sudden, I was certain in my heart that God knew what He was doing and that He had a BIG plan for us.
So here we are. Ready to listen. Ready to take on this adventure God has chosen for us. We're not looking to "rescue" a child. It's not our humanitarian cause or some act of religious charity. God is choosing to BLESS US through this. He is showing HIS heart for us through this. We know that this journey will dramatically change our lives but most likely, this child will change our lives more than we could ever hope to change theirs.
So let Loves journey home begin!
